I hate to admit this but I recently got engaged. I know, I know, I know. I’m sorry. I’m sorry because getting engaged automatically makes me a loathsome asshat who cannot freaking wait to rub my happiness in all of your faces on Facebook. And that’s exactly what I did a few hours after getting engaged.
I’m ashamed of myself! But it was just too tempting to let everyone know about our happiness in one fell swoop and also because, fuck it, we were really goddamn excited. I know it would have been more thoughtful of us to just go masturbate to our own reflections and leave you good people alone, but we all know nothing feels as good as racking up those sweet, sweet Facebook likes. Allow me just this one day to literally drown myself in the feeling of being loved, even if 90 percent of those likers were actually thinking, “Go fuck yourself.”
I do promise you this: one of the first thoughts that popped into my head when I realized I was being proposed to was, “Ugh, how do I not piss off everyone I know now?” Granted I then went and did the most annoying thing, but consider this list my vow to you (LOL wedding humor) that I will henceforth avoid obnoxious bride-to-be behavior:
1. I will not get professional engagement portraits taken.
You will never have to see a photo of me smiling coyly into the camera as he whispers something in my ear, his arms wrapped around my waist, my left hand cradling his face, showing off my ring and our love at the same time. Won’t happen.
2. There will be no lovey-dovey hashtags in any of my social media.
No photos of him with #myfuturehusband or #blessed or #luckygirl or #helikeditsoheputaringonitcopyrightbeyonce. Promise.
3. I will not talk endlessly about my wedding to my single friends.
It may be an all-consuming thing in my life but that doesn’t mean anyone else should give a crap. I don’t want to hear about your birthday party planning so I don’t expect you to care about how cool I am for not making my bridesmaids wear bridesmaid’s dresses. I’ll save all wedding talk for fellow engaged people who will enjoy talking about this and will laud me for my thoughtful and money-saving decision to forego bridesmaid’s dresses.
4. I won’t make my bridesmaids wear bridesmaid’s dresses.
Just to give you a tl;dr of the above paragraph.
5. I won’t post my entire wedding album online.
The only person who would look at all 600 pictures is my mother and she’s not on Facebook anyway so there’s no point. I will likely post a handful though, because I’ll probably look dope as hell on my wedding day and I still have a few ex-boyfriends I gotta make feel sad and uncomfortable, right? So give me that at least.
6. I won’t forget that a wedding is about, like, love and commitment and not about cute chalkboard signs and mason jars.
I will not forget that weddings are about marriage and two people making a really big commitment, one that I take super seriously. And also good food and an open bar. Love and food and booze is what it’s all about, not turning my life into a living Pintrest board.
7. I’ll make my Pinterest board private.
Shoot, I still have to do that. It ain’t pretty, folks. Actually, it is pretty – very, very pretty. It’s glittery and lacey and just overflowing with veil inspirations and cute ideas for DIY flower arrangements. It’s upsetting. It’s shameful. Look away.