I'll Take Three

We Ordered Illegal Alcoholic Slushies and (Barely) Lived to Tell the Tale

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Phrosties

On Friday afternoon, the HowAboutWe Media editorial team ordered alcoholic frozen drinks from an Internet service of highly questionable legality, because, well, it was Friday. This is the magic of Phrosties, which operates via a private Instagram account and delivers its wares to Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens, and the Bronx, as well as Westchester County and parts of New Jersey. At $10 each, they seem pricey until you realize how very, very strong they are.

When I told my boyfriend what we were doing, he was not enthused. “Someone’s gonna die from this,” he said. “Because of mold, or spores, or rubbing alcohol, or something.” (We all survived, thank you very much.) These are reasonable concerns for an adult to have, but we nevertheless pressed on, because what is life without dreams?

They have strict requirements for ordering: include your address, drink requests, and phone number in a single text message. We placed our order at 4:15, and — though what we received ended up bearing only a passing resemblance to what we originally asked for (not that I’m complaining) — they were delivered almost exactly one hour later. Prompt!

Phrosties texts

Suddenly aware of the possibility that we might be about to get murdered, three of us traveled downstairs to meet the delivery guy, who to our surprise proved to be a lady. (I know — I felt like a sexist asshole.)

Phrostie flavors

The piña colada is delicious and the coquito is awful, like boozy cinnamon nightmare milk. The bright colors uniformly taste of coconut rum mixed with Kool Aid, which is not necessarily a bad thing. Overall, the experience is like college in a bottle. The drinks were as frosty (phrosty?) as one would hope. And again, they were very, very strong.

By 5:51 — judging by the time someone sent the message “?am i high” [sic] in our group chat — we were tanked. I was gnawing chunks off a plain bagel that had been left out in the kitchen since morning. We spent the remaining minutes of our workday sharing GIFs of Taylor Lautner in varying states of undress. One coworker aptly describes the slushies’ effects as “borderline hallucinogenic,” and a Gchat from another sums up my feelings perfectly.

Gchat

Amazingly, virtually zero hangover symptoms were reported. A good (if slightly disconcerting) time was had by all.

Would I recommend ordering these for your party, office, or lazy summer afternoon? Absolutely, provided you don’t mind being fully unproductive for the rest of the day. But you might want to hurry — there’s no telling how long these guys will be around.

Phrosties