Bridal Shower

How to Make Your Own ‘Kitchen Maid’ Gift, a Downright Bizarre Bridal Shower Tradition

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If you’re looking at these frightening humanoid piles of kitchenware, wondering what the heck they are and what purpose they serve, rest assured that they’re (relatively) harmless Kitchen Maids — not to be confused with KitchenAid, the brand that manufactures that sweet, sweet stand mixer. The Kitchen Maid is to the bridal shower as the diaper cake is to the baby shower. The parts are useful, but the end result can be a little disturbing, probably because it’s supposed to look like a human housewife companion, an outdated idea to begin with. As a less creepy alternative, I suggest gifting your favorite engaged couple a pet Kitchen Monster, which will wreck havoc on kitchen messes and destroy boxes of ingredients to bake cupcakes. Here’s how to make one.

Body

Stick with an ironing board, a staple of Kitchen Maids, as wrinkles in shirts and dresses are the bane of any professional couple’s existence. To create an appropriately monstrous body, pop open the ironing board and pile everything on top. This is the monster’s back.

Face

Place magnets in the form of a face on a metal cookie sheet and add it to the front of the monster’s body. Now there’s a menacing expression to cower before.

Fangs

Attach potato chip clips or clothespins onto the head. This is the monster’s main means of destruction, terrorizing citizens, and resealing Cheetos bags.

Skin

Layer reusable bags to form the Kitchen Monster’s skin. There’s a good chance that you and your fellow shower guests have a million canvas bags lying around the house, more than any person can reasonably use — this could be a good way to get rid of them.

Arms and Hands

This isn’t too hard. Just grab a broom and a mop pole, a wooden spoon set, and a set of barbecue tongs. Boom! Arms. Add oven mitts and yellow latex kitchen gloves to the ends. Boom! Hands. Make as many arms and hands as you like. Kitchen Monsters have no rules.

Scales

Line either cupcake tins or cleaning products down its back to create scales, like a spick and span Stegosaurus. These scales will strike fear into the heart of kitchen spills and counter stains — the scarier the better, because how else do you expect the Kitchen Monster to protect the newlyweds’ kitchen?